They say "write what you know". Well, today, I know sadness. So, as far as predicting character arc goes, it's my most sincere hope that -- over time -- content will evolve from sadness to joy. And not from sadness to despair.
I used to roll my eyes at women whose quest in life was to become a mom. I think I actually may have dry-heaved once or twice. I couldn't grasp it as a "goal". Sure, it was an eventual "outcome", kind of like eating dinner or brushing one's teeth -- things that sort of eventually came to be as a result of being part of the subconscious order of things -- but a goal? Puh-lease.
All I'd ever wanted to do anyway was adopt. The world needs more parents, I would say, not more children. So when women friends would talk about topics that included words like "ovulating" and "cycles" and "humping", I zoned out; choosing instead to focus on things like whether or not I should've gotten foam on my soy latte. Their discussions felt so Mommy Group. So reasonable hair cut. So pleated jeans. So mini-van. So portable containers of Cheerios.
Of course, that was before two very tough years of trying -- unsuccessfully -- to adopt. And that was certainly before yesterday. When I found out my first -- and I had ignorantly hoped, only -- round of IVF had failed.
Somewhere between the January 25th transfer of 3 blastocysts to the cozy confines of their bed-womb and the ten days that ended yesterday, I lost my little monkeys. Which is why, today, I know sadness. I carry its depths around with me like a headache even the strongest Tylenol just won't make go away.
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